Thursday, February 26, 2015

Goodness Has No Motive & Human Evolution

Before Completion
The transition from chaos to order depends upon your achieving your inner calm.

The proper response to conflict, whether it lies within or without us, is disengagement. 

Goodness Has No Motive

If I have a motive to be good, does that bring about goodness? Or is goodness something entirely devoid of this urge to be good, which is ever based on a motive? Is good the opposite of bad, the opposite of evil? Every opposite contains the seed of its own opposite, does it not?

When the mind wants not to want, the root of want, of desire, is still there. So goodness is not the opposite of evil; it is a totally different state. And what is that state?
 Obviously, goodness, has no motive because all motive is based on the self; it is the egocentric movement of the mind, So what do we mean by goodness? Surely, there is goodness only  when there is total attention. Attention has no motive. When there is motive for attention, is there attention? If I pay attention in order to acquire something, the acquisition, whether it be good or bad, is not attention- it is a distraction. A division. There can be goodness only when there is a totality of attention in which there is no effort to be not to be.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Justifying Evil

February 24, 2015
Justifying Evil

Obviously the present crisis throughout the world is exceptional, without precedent. There have been crises of varying types at different periods throughout history- social, national, political. Crises come and go; economic recessions, depressions, come, get modified, and continue in a different form. We know that; we are familiar with that process. Surely the present crisis is not different, is it not? It is different first because we are dealing not with money nor with tangible things but with ideas. The crisis is exceptional because it is in the field of ideation. We are quarreling with ideas, we are justifying murder; everywhere in the world we are justifying murder as a means to a righteous end, which in itself is unprecedented. Before, evil was recognized to be evil, murder was recognized to be murder, but now murder is a means to achieve a noble result.

Murder, whether of one person or of a group of people, is justified, because the murderer, or the group that the murderer represents, justifies it as a means of achieving a result that will be beneficial to man. That is, we sacrifice the present for the future- and it does not matter what means we employ as long as our declared purpose is to produce a result that we say will produce a right end and you justify the wrong means through ideation. . . We have a magnificent structure of ideas to justify evil and surely that is unprecedented. Evil is evil; it cannot bring about good. War is not a means to peace.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Consistency is Contrary to Nature, Contrary to Life: "Catching Up"

Too much consistency is as bad for the mind as it is for the body. Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are the dead.  
Consistent intellectualism and spirituality may be socially valuable, up to a point; but they make, gradually, for individual death. - Aldous Huxley

February 16, 2015
Action Without Idea
It is only when the mind is free from idea that ere can be experiencing. Ideas are not truth; and truth is something that must be experience directly, from moment to moment. It is not a n experience which you want-- which is then merely sensation.

Only when one can go beyond the bundle of ideas-- which is the "me", which is the mind, which has a partial or complete continuity-- only when one can go beyond that, when though is completely silent, is there a state of experience. Then one shall know what truth is.

February 17, 2015
Action Without the Process of Thought
What do we mean by idea? Surely idea is the process of thought. Idea is a process of mentation, of thinking; and thinking is always a reaction either of the conscious or of the unconscious. Thinking is a process of verbalization, so which is the result of memory; thinking is a process of time. So, when action is based on the process of thinking, such action must inevitably be conditioned, isolated. Idea must oppose idea, idea must be dominated by idea. There is a gap then between action and idea.

What we are trying to find out is whether it is possible for action to be without idea. We see how idea separates people. As I have already explained, knowledge and belief are essentially separating qualities. Beliefs never bind people; they always separate people; when action is based on belief or an idea or an ideal, such an action must inevitably be isolated, fragmented. Is it possible to act without the process of thought, thought being a process of time, a process of calculation, a process of self-protection, a process of belief, denial, condemnation, justification. Surely, it must have occurred to you as it has to me, whether action is at all possible without idea.

February 18, 2015
Do Ideas Limit Action?
Can ideas ever produce action, or so ideas merely mold thought and therefore limit action? When actions is compelled by an idea, action can never liberate man. It is extraordinarily important for us to understand this point. If an idea shapes action, then action can never bring about the solution to our miseries because, before it can be put into action, we have first to discover how the idea comes into being.

February 19, 2015
Ideology Prevents Action
The world is always close to catastrophe. But it seems to be closer now. Seeing this approaching catastrophe, most of us take shelter in idea. We think that this catastrophe, this crisis, can be  solved by an ideology. Ideology is always an impediment to direct relationships, which prevents action. We want peace only as an idea, but not as an actuality. We want peace on the verbal level, which is only on the thinking level, though we proudly call it the intellectual level. But the word peace is not peace. Peace can only be when the confusion which you and another makes peace. We are attached to the world of ideas and not to peace.

We search for new social and political patterns and not for peace; we are concerned with the reconciliation of effects and not in putting aside the cause of war. This search will bring only answers conditioned by the past. This conditioning is what we call knowledge, experience, and the new changing facts are translated, interpreted, according to this knowledge. So, there is conflict between what is and the experience that has been. The past, which is knowledge, must ever be in conflict with the fact, which is ever in the present. So, this will not solve the problem but will perpetuate the conditions that have created the problem.

February 20, 2015
Action Without Ideation
The idea is the result of the thought process, the thought process is the response of memory, and memory is always conditioned. Memory is always in the past, and that memory is given life in the present by a challenge. Memory has no life in itself; it comes to life in the present when confronted by a challenge. And all memory, whether dormant or active, is conditioned, is it not? Therefore there has to be quite a different approach. You have to find out for yourself, inwardly, whether you are acting on an idea, and if there can be action without ideation.

February 21, 2015
Acting Without Idea is The Way of Love
Thought must always be limited by the thinker who is conditioned; the thinker is always conditioned and is never free; if thought occurs, immediately idea follows. Idea in order to act is bound to create more confusion. Knowing all this, is it possible to act without idea?

Yes, it is the way of love. Love is not an idea; it is not a sensation; it is not a memory; it is a feeling of postponement, a self-protective device. We can only be aware of the way of love when we understand the whole process of idea.

. . .When you love, is there idea? Do not accept it; just look at it, examine it, go into it profoundly; because every other way we have tried, and there is no answer to misery. We have tried every other way, and we can only know the way of love if we know the way of idea and abandon idea, which is to act.

February 22, 2015
Conflicts of Opposites
Why do we divide life, calling this good and that bad, thereby creating the conflict of the opposites? Not that there is not envy, hate, brutality in the human mind and heart, an absence of compassion, love, but why do we divide life into the thing called good and the thing called evil? Is that not actually one thing, which is a mind that is inattentive?

Surely, when there is complete attention, that is, when the mind is totally aware, alert, watchful, there is no such thing as evil or good; there is only an awakened state. Goodness then is not a quality, not a virtue, it is a state of love. It is only when there is cessation of complete attention, of love, that there comes the conflict between what I am what I should be. Then that which I am is evil, and that which I should be is the so-called good.

. . . You watch your own mind and you will see that the moment the mind ceases to think in terms of becoming something, there is a cessation of action which is not stagnation; it is a state of total attention, which is goodness.

February 23, 2015
Beyond Duality
Are you not aware of it? Are not its actions obvious, its sorrow crushing? Who has created it but each of us? Who is responsible for it but each one of us? As we have created good, however little, so we have created evil, however vast. Good and evil are part of us and are also independent of us. When we think-feel narrowly, enviously, with greed and hate, we are adding to the evil which turns and rends us. This problem of good and evil is always with us as we are creating it. It has become part of us, this wanting and not wanting, loving and hating, craving and renouncing. We are continually creating this duality in which thought-feeling is caught up. Thought-feeling can go beyond and above good and its opposite only when it understands its cause- craving. In understanding merit and demerit there is freedom from both. Opposites cannot be fused and they are to be transcended through the dissolution of craving. Each opposite must be thought out, felt out, as extensively and deeply as possible, through all the layers of consciousness. Through this thinking out, feeling out, a new comprehension is awakened, which is not the product of craving or of time.

. . . There is evil in the world to which we are contributing as we contribute to good. Man seems to unite more in hate than in  good. A wise man realizes the cause of evil and good, and through understanding frees thought-feeling from it. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Pendulum and Books

Received this beauty today. I can't wait to use it! 
I also got these two books for such a great deal! 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Agitated by Belief / / Beyond Belief

February 10 
Agitated by Belief

So, your religion, your belief  in God, is an escape from actuality, and therefore it is no religion at all. The rich man who accumulates money through cruelty, through dishonesty, through cunning exploitation believes in God; and you also believe in God, you also are cunning, cruel, suspicious, envious. Is God to be found through dishonesty, through deceit, through cunning tricks of the mind? Because you collect all the sacred books and the various symbols of God, does that indicate that you are religious person? So, religion is not escape from the fact; religion is the understanding of the fact of what you are in your everyday relationships; religion is the manner of your speech, the way you talk, the way you address your servants, the way you treat your wife and children, there must be confusion; and whatever it does, the mind that is confused will only create more confusion, more problems and conflict.

A mind that escapes from the actual, from the facts of relationship, shall never find God; a mind that is agitated by belief shall not know truth. But the mind that understands its relationship with property, with people, with ideas, the mind no longer struggles with the problems which relationship creates, and for which the solution is not withdrawal but the understanding of love-- such a mind alone can understand reality.

February 11
Beyond Belief

We realize that life is ugly, painful, sorrowful; we want some kind of theory, some kind og speculation or satisfaction, some kind of doctrine, which will explain all this, and so we are caught in explanation, in words, in theories, and gradually beliefs become deeply rooted and unshakable because behind those beliefs, behind those dogmas, there is constant fear of the unknown. But we never look at that fear; we turn away from it. Each dogma, each belief has it's own series of rituals, compulsions which bind man and separate them. So we start with an inquiry to find out what is true, what the significance is of this misery, this struggle, this pain; and we are soon caught up in beliefs, rituals, in theories.

Belief is corruption because behind belief and morality lurks the mind, the self -- the self growing big, powerful and strong. We consider belief in God, the belief in something, as religion. We consider that to believe is to be religious. You understand? If you do not believe, you will be considered an atheist, you will be condemned by society. One society will condemn those who do not. They are both the same. So, religion becomes a matter of belief -- and belief acts and has a corresponding influence on the mind; the mind then can never be free. But it is only in freedom that you can find out what is true, what is God, not through any belief, because your very belief projects what you think ought to be God, what you think ought to be true.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Listening To Björk "Greatest Hits"

February 07-09

February 07
When There Is Love, Self Is Not

Reality, truth, is not to be recognized. For truth to come, belief, knowledge, experiencing, virtue, pursuit of virtue-- which is different from being virtuous-- all this must go. The virtuous person who is conscious of pursing virtue can never find reality. He may be a very decent person; that is entirely different from the man of truth, truth has come into being. A virtuous man is a righteous man, and a righteous man can never understand what is truth because virtue to him is the covering of the self, the strengthening of the self; because he is pursuing virtue. When he says ," I must be without greed," the state in which he is non-greedy and which he experience, strengthens the self. That is why it is so important to be poor, not only in the things of the world, but also in belief and in knowledge. A man rich with worldly riches or a man rich in knowledge and belief, will never know anything but darkness, and will be the center of all mischief and misery. But if you and I, as individuals, can see this whole working of the self, then we shall know what love is. I assure you that is the only reformation which can possibly change the world. Love is not the self. Self cannot recognize love. You say, "I love," but then, in the very saying of it, in the very experiencing of it, love is not. But, when you know love, self is not. When there is love, self is not.

February 08
Understanding What Is

Surely, a man who is understanding life does not want beliefs. A man who loves has no beliefs-- he loves. It is the man who is consumed by the intellect who has beliefs, because intellect is always seeking security, protection; it is always avoiding danger, and therefore it builds ideas, beliefs, ideals, behind which it can take shelter. What would happen if you dealt with violence directly, now? You would be a danger to society; and because the mind foresees the danger, it says "I will achieve the ideal od nonviolence ten years later"-- which is such a fictitious, false process. . . To understand what is is more important than to create and follow ideals because ideals are false, and what is is the real. To understand what is requires an enormous capacity, a swift and unprejudiced mind. It is because we don't want to face and understand what is that we invent the many ways of escape and give them lovely names as the ideal, the belief, God. Surely, it is only when I see the false as the false that my mind is capable of perceiving what it true. A mind that is confused in the false can never find the truth. Therefore, I must understand what is false in my relationships, in my ideas, in the things about me because to perceive the truth requires the understanding of the false.
Without removing thee causes of ignorance, there cannot be enlightenment; and to seek enlightenment when the mind is unenlightened is utterly empty, meaningless. Therefore, I must begin to see the false in my relationships with ideas, with people, with things. When the mind sees that which is false, then there is ecstasy, there is happiness.

February 09
What We Believe

Does belief give enthusiasm? Can enthusiasm sustain itself without a belief, and is enthusiasm at all necessary, or is a different kind of energy needed, a different kind of vitality, drive? Most of us have enthusiasm for something or other. We are very keen, very enthusiastic about concerts, about physical exercise, or about going to a picnic. Unless it is nourished all the time by something or other, it fades away and we have a new enthusiasm for other things. Is there a self-sustaining force, energy, which doesn't depend on a belief?

The other question is: Do we need a belief of any kind, and if we do, why is it necessary? That's one of the problems involved. We don't need a belief that there is sunshine, the mountains, the rivers. We don't need a belief that we and our wives quarrel. We don't have to have a belief that life is a terrible misery with its anguish, conflict, and constant ambition; it is a fact. But we demand a belief when we want to escape from a fact into an unreality. 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Book Of Life: February

Good and Evil

February 01
Becoming Is Strife
Life as we know it, our daily life, is a process of becoming. I am poor and I act with an end in view, which is to become rich. I am ugly and I want to become beautiful. Therefore my life is a process of becoming something. The will to be is the will to become, at different levels of consciousness, in different states, in which there is challenge, response, naming, and recording. Now, this becoming is strife, this becoming is pain, is it not? It is a constant struggle: I am this,, and I want to become that.

February 02

All Becoming Is Disintegration
The mind has an  idea, perhaps pleasurable, and it wants to be like that idea, which is a projection of your desire. You are this, which you do not like, and you want to become that, which you like. The ideal is a self-projection; the opposite is an extension of what is; it is not the opposite at all, but a continuity of what is, perhaps somewhat modified. The projection is self-willed, and conflict is the struggle towards the projection . . . You are struggling to become something, and that something is part of yourself. The ideal is your own projection. See how the mind has played a trick upon itself. You are struggling after words, pursing your own projection, your own shadow. You are violent, and you are struggling to become nonviolent, the ideal; but the ideal is a projection of what is, only under a different name. 

When you are aware of this trick that you have played upon yourself, then the false as the false is seen. The struggle towards an illusion is the disintegrating factor. All conflict, all becoming is disintegration. When there is awareness of this trick that the mind has played upon itself, then there is only what is. When the mind is stripped of all becoming, of all ideals, of all comparison and condemnation, when its own structure has collapsed, then the what is has undergone complete transformation. As long as there is the naming of what is, there is relationship between the mind and what is ; but when this naming process- which is memory, the very structure of the mind- is not, then what is is not. In this transformation alone is there integration. 

February 03
Can the Crude Mind Become Sensitive?
If I see and understand stupidity as it expresses itself in my daily life-- how I behave toward my servant, how I regard my neighbor, the poor man, the rich man, the clerk-- then that very awareness brings about a breaking up of stupidity. 

February 04
Opportunities for Self-Expansion
. . . Hierarchical structure offers an excellent opportunity for self-expansion. You may want brotherhood, but how can there be brotherhood if you are pursuing spiritual distinctions? You may smile at worldly titles; but when you admit the Master, the savior, the guru in the realm of the spirit, are you not carrying over the worldly attitude?  Can there be hierarchical divisions or degrees in spiritual growth, in the understanding of truth, in the realization of God? Love admits no division. Either you love, or do not love; but do not make the lack of love into a long-drawn-out process whose end is love. When you do not love, when you are choicelessly aware of that fact, then there is a possibility of transformation; but to sedulously cultivate this distinction between the Master and the pupil, between those who have attained and those who have not, between the savior and the sinner, is to deny love. The exploiter, who is in turn exploited, finds a happy hunting-ground in this darkness and illusion. 
. . . Separation between God or reality and yourself is brought about by you, by the mind that clings to the known, to certainty, to security. This separation cannot be bridged over; there is no ritual, no discipline, no sacrifice that can carry you across it; there is no savior, no Master, no guru who can lead you to the real or destroy this separation. The division is not between the real and yourself; it is in yourself. 
 . . . What is essential is to understand the increasing conflict of desire; and this understanding comes only through self-knowledge and constant awareness of the movements of the self. 

February 05
Beyond All Experiencing
Understanding of the self requires a great deal of intelligence, a great deal of watchfulness, alertness, watching ceaselessly, so that it does not slip away. I, who am very earnest, want to dissolve the self. When I say that, I know it is possible to dissolve the self. Please be patient. The moment I say "I want to dissolve this," and in the process I follow for the dissolution of that, there is the experiencing of the self; and so, the self is strengthened. So, how is it possible for the self not to experience? One can see that creation is not at all the experience of the self. Creation is when the self is not there, because creation is not intellectual, is not of the mind, is not self-projected, is  something beyond all experiencing, as we know it. Is it possible for the mind to be quite still, in a state of nonrecognition, which is, non-experiencing, to be in a state in which creation can take place -- which means, when the self is not there, when the self is absent? Am I making myself clear or not? . . . The problem is this, is it not? Any movement of the mind, positive or negative, is an experience which actually strengthens the "me". Is it possible for the mind not to recognize? That can only take place when there is complete silence, but not the silence which is an experience of the self and which therefore strengthens the self. 

February 06 
What Is the Self?
The search for power, position, authority, ambition, and all the rest are the forms of the self in all its different ways. But what is important is to understand the self and I am sure you and I are convinced of it. If I may add here, let us be earnest about this matter; because I feel that if you and I as individuals, not as a group of people belonging to certain classes, certain societies, certain climatic divisions, can understand this and act upon this, then I think there will be real revolution. The moment it becomes universal and better organized, the self takes shelter in that; whereas, if you and I as individuals can love, can carry this out actually in everyday life, then the revolution that is so essential will come into being. . . 
You know what I mean by the self? By that, I mean the idea, the memory, the conclusion, the experience, the various forms of nameable and unnameable intentions, the conscious endeavor to be or not to be, the accumulated memory of the unconscious, the racial, the group, the individual, the clan, and the whole of it all, whether it is projected outwardly in action, or projected spiritually as virtue; the striving after all this is the self. In it is included the competition, the desire to be. The whole process of that is the self; and we know actually when we are faced with it, that it is an evil thing. I am using the word evil intentionally, because the self is dividing; the self is the self-enclosing; its activities, however noble, are separated and isolated. We know all this. We also know that extraordinary are the moments when the self is not there, in which there is no sense of endeavor, of effort, and which happens when there is love. 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The End of January in The Beginning of February

Due to my recent health issues I was unable to post the last few lessons from the Book of Life for January. The following are all the lessons in their entirety. . . I usually do a brief summary but I've taken the time to write all of this out for you all. I believe it's important to share this information with any and everyone seeking knowledge and inspiration on a daily basis. 

Active Self-Knowledge
January 25

Without self-knowledge, experience breeds illusion; with self-knowledge, experience, which is the response to challenge does not leave a cumulative residue as memory . Self-knowledge is the discovery from moment to moment of the ways of the self, its intentions and pursuit, its thoughts and appetites. There can never be "your experience" and "my experience";  the very term "my experience" indicates ignorance and the acceptance of illusion.

Creativeness Through Self-Knowledge
January 26
. . . There is no method for self-knowledge. Seeking a method invariably implies the desire to attain some result - and that is what we all want. We follow authority- if not that of a person then of a system, of an ideology - because we want a result that will be satisfactory, which will give us security. We really do not want to understand ourselves, our impulses, and reactions, the whole process of our thinking, the conscious as well as the unconscious; we would rather pursue a system that assures us of a result. But the pursuit of a system is invariably the outcome of our desire for security, for certainty, and the result is obviously not the understanding of oneself. When we follow a method, we must have authorities- the teacher, the guru, the savior, the Master - who will guarantee us what we desire; and surely that is not the way of self-knowledge.
 Authority prevents the understanding of oneself, does it not? Under the shelter of an authority, a  guru, you may have temporarily a sense of security, a sense of well-being, but that is not the understanding of the total process of oneself. Authority in its very nature prevents the full awareness of oneself and therefore ultimately destroys freedom; in freedom alone can there be creativeness. There can be creativeness only through self-knowledge.

Quiet Mind, Simple Mind
January 27
When we are aware of ourselves, is not the whole movement of living in a way of uncovering the "me", the ego, the self? The self is a very complex process that can be uncovered only in relationship, in our daily activities, in the way we talk, the way we judge, calculate, the way we condemn others and ourselves. All that reveals the conditioned state of our own thinking, and is it not important to be aware of this whole process? It is only though awareness of what is true from moment to moment that there is discovery of the timeless, the eternal. Without self-knowledge, the eternal becomes a mere word, a symbol, a speculation, a dogma, a belief, an illusion to which the mind can escape. But if one beings to understand the "me" in all its various activities from day to day, then in that very understanding, without any effort, the nameless, the timeless comes into being. But the timeless is not a reward for self-knowledge. That which is eternal cannot be sought after; the mind is quiet, and the mind can be quiet only when it is simple, when it is no longer storing up, condemning, judging, weighing. It is only the simple mind that can understand the real, not the mind that is full of words, knowledge, information. The mind that analyzes, calculates, is not a simple mind.

January 28
Without knowing yourself, do what you will, there cannot possibly be the state of meditation. I mean by "self-knowing," knowing every thought, every mood, every word, every feeling; knowing the activity of your mind- not knowing the supreme self, the big self; there is no such thing; the higher self, the atma, is still within the field of thought.
Thought is the result of your conditioning, thought is the response of your memory- ancestral or immediate. And merely to try to meditate without first establishing deeply, irrevocably, that virtue which comes about through self-knowing is utterly deceptive and absolutely useless.
Please, it is very important for those who are serious to understand this. Because if you cannot do that, your meditation and actual living are divorced, are apart- so wide apart that though you may meditate, taking postures indefinitely, for the rest of your life, you will not see beyond your nose; any posture you take, anything that you do, will have no meaning whatsoever.
… It is important to understand what this self-knowing is, just to be aware, without any choice, of the "me" which has its source in a bundle of memories- just to be conscious of it without interpretation, merely to observe the movement of the mind. But that observation is prevented when you are merely accumulating through observation- what to do, what not to do, what to achieve; if you do that, you put an end to the living process of the movement of the mind as the self. That is, I have to observe and see the fact, the actual, the what is. If I approach it with an idea, with an opinion- such as" I must not," or "I must," which are the responses of memory- then movement of what is hindered, is blocked; and therefore, there is no learning.

Creative Emptiness
January 29
Can you not just listen to this as the soil receives the seed and see if the mind is capable of being free, empty? It can be empty only by understanding all its own projections, its own activities, not off and on, but from day to day, from moment to moment. Then you will find the answer, then you will see that the change comes without your asking, that the state of creative emptiness is not a thing to be cultivated- it is there, it comes darkly, without any invitation, and only in that state is there a possibility of renewal, newness, revolution.

January 30
Right thinking comes with self-knowledge. Without understanding yourself, you have no basis for thought; without self-knowledge what you think is not true.
You and the world are not two different entities with separate problems; you and the world are one. Your problem is the world's problem. You may be the result of certain tendencies, of environmental influences, but you are not different fundamentally from another. Inwardly we are very much alike; we are all driven by greed, ill will, fear, ambition, and so on. Our beliefs, hopes, aspirations have a common basis. We are one; we are one humanity, though the artificial frontiers of economics and politics and prejudice divide us. If you kill another, you are destroying yourself. You are the center of the whole, and without understanding yourself you cannot understand reality.
We have an intellectual knowledge of this unity but we keep knowledge and feeling in different compartments and hence we never experience the extraordinary unity of man.

Relationship Is A Mirror
January 31
Self-knowledge is  not according to any formula. You may go to a psychologist or a psychoanalyst to find out about yourself, but that is not self-knowledge. Self-knowledge comes into being  when we are aware of ourselves in a relationship, which shows what we are from moment to moment. Relationship is a mirror in which to see ourselves as we actually are. But most of us are incapable of looking at ourselves as we are in relationship, because we immediately begin to condemn or justify what we see. We judge, we evaluate, we compare, we deny or accept, but we never observe actually what is, and for most people this seems to be the most difficult thing to do; yet this alone  is the beginning of self-knowledge. If one is able to see oneself as one is in this extraordinary mirror of relationship, which does not distort, if one can just look into this mirror full of attention and see actually what is, be aware of it without condemnation, without judgment, without evaluation- and one does this when there is earnest interest- then one will find that the mind is capable of freeing itself from all conditioning; and it is only then that the mind is free to discover that which lies beyond the field of thought.
 After all, however learned or however petty the mind may be, it is consciously or unconsciously limited, conditioned, and any extension of this conditioning is still within the field of thought. So freedom is something entirely different. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

What A Week [End]

Last week on Wednesday morning I called 911 for an ambulance. I've never done this for myself, and never thought I'd have to. I was picked up and rushed to the nearest hospital.

I'd been experiencing dizziness, terrible pain in my chest, vomiting nonstop and just overall feeling like complete shit. Immediately they knew what was wrong with me, I have Type 1 Diabetes. The disease does not run in my family, so I assume I got it after giving birth to Dzhokhar. After 3 days of no eating or drinking I woke up in my hospital bed very unsure of how this all happened to me. How did I let my health get so bad???? I was also diagnosed with Acute Kidney Injury, Acute UTI, Hypokalemia and something else that I cannot remember. 

I maintained a Vegetarian diet for the past 8 years, so the fact that this all happened now is just surprising. I promise to restore my health and rid myself of this disease the best I can.

The worst part of this was not being there for Dzhokhar. I've never been away from him more than 2 days, and 6 was just way too long. The moment he woke up I cried. When I looked into his beautiful gray eyes I could feel this huge void in my heart being filled. 

Now I am home and dreading going back to work tomorrow. I've missed so many posts, and I do plan to play "catch up". 

This is it for tonight, my fingers are all hot and swollen.